Share...And me to the YMCA of the Rockies in a switch-back line of people who are equally tired from waiting in airports, and wondering why I thought this was a cozy intimate place when in fact it’s a gigantic resort like place, and chatting with others and…oh well, we’re all here, young and old, children with ice cream and psychiatrists from Boulder, and soon we’ll be rested and settled into a fantastic dharma talk by one of the worlds’ greatest teachers.  Ahhhh, breathe!

But wait…we’re settled in and there’s an announcement, a “Love Letter from Thay”, uh-oh, that can’t be good.   Rats! We can’t have what we want, what we traveled for, what we saved for, and arranged for, oh this is not good.  This is very not good.

Breathe.  You are a nurse, keep breathing.  Yes, you can leave, you can maybe get your money back, pick-up your dog, complain about how f’d-up life is, yes, you can do that.  You can do it gracefully, or forcefully, rudely or politely. But, ….do you really want to leave?  Do you want to be alone in the Rockies carrying all that disappointment, resentment, and grief?  You have done that many times little gypsy girl, think carefully before taking action.

Breathe.  Breathe.  Bow.  Smile. Breathe...

Hmmm, remember what you said about the crowds at Deer Park?  You did not like all the people, it was not serene like the time you first visited Green Mountain.  You said you wished Thay was not there, so it could be quieter.  Breathe.  Do you see the stories your mind makes for you little one?  They seem to bring unhappiness.  Thay is here, Thay is not here.  Thay should come, Thay should go. 

You want both and neither.  It is funny to observe the little child who tugs and pushes away.  She is tired, let her rest in the rhythms of the sangha.  Traveling alone is so challenging, and you are no master.

Breathe.

Walk quietly.

An announcement for an AA meeting in the foyer of the Dharma hall after lunch and 20 sangha members arrive.  We listen to each other’s disappointments and use our 12-steps of spiritual recovery to embrace and transform frustration into strength.  We laugh, pout, erase self-pity and open our hearts to the present moment...

Day 3:

We are sitting in the meditation hall in the early morning silence.   A very succinct picture appears in my mind.  It is a large brown wooden door above me.  The handle is much too high for me to reach.  There are a few steps up to the door, (?Buddha, Dharma, Sangha?).  I am surprised and wonder what this is.  I wait. I breathe. There is stillness.
The door opens effortlessly to an infinite expanse of blue sky, and small puffy clouds.  Ahh, this feels wonderful!

So, here’s my choice, stay locked in the confines of my rigid dark walls, or breathe into the freedom and openness.

It takes courage to let go, and trust 900 people, a YMCA staff, a bio-region, and my intuition.  Yet, 900 of us did that.  We journeyed together through our pain/fear and into freedom.

Day 5:

Everything is packed into my truck.  I walk around with a T-shirt embroidered in Tibetan symbols of blessings.  It will be revealed to me whom it should be given to. The light on the hotel phone is blinking.  The kennel says my dog has had a rough night.  This translates into he died there.  The t-shirt will be his burial shroud. 

A  woman who cried t in my arms  the first day of retreat because a friend committed suicide now holds me as I tell her about dog-friend Tuzigoot.  “You are holding me as I cry today, as I held you crying when we arrived.”  We smile. We bow to the Buddhas within us.

Thank you Thay. Thank you sangha.  Many blessings on the journey.  And yes, I still want to be a nun!  I can’t do all this seed watering and weed pulling alone.  I need my sisters and brothers too.

Dedicated in love to all beings, may all beings benefit.

read other articles from "One Buddha is Not Enough":

• The Miracle of Sangha
• We Take Refuge in the Sangha
• One Buddha Is Not Enough
• Thay’s Absence is His Dharma Talk
• Photos Album